HISTORY REPEATING.

May 25, 2016


If there is something you need to know about me, is that, whether I like it or not, I fall in love pretty much once a week.
Maybe I was born under a wrong star or I'm just doomed by nature, but the truth is, I find falling in love very easy. Go somewhere, find a guy who's staring at you, maybe he does something that surprises you and BOOM. That guy will be stuck in your mind until the day you'll meet him again (or the day you'll find another one who's gonna do the trick).

It was April 2015, don't really remember the exact day, (though my journal would be full of happy faces on that page) but I remember it was raining and it was a Saturday. I was with my mom and we were going grocery shopping at the supermarket near our house. And there was this guy. He wasn't particularly handsome, nor someone you just fall in love with by looking at him (no, he wasn't that kind of beauty by all means) but I did.
You see, I wasn't paying attention to his look, because quite honestly I'm not into that kind of things, but he was looking at me, staring really, and I found myself staring back at him like we were talking but our mouths were closed. I don't know how to explain it. It was like a movie, one of those us girls like but then thinking "right, that won't ever happen in real life!". And that was it. We spent days staring at each other, then he started winking at me, and then we started the small talk until we were kind of drunk. Not drunk in the sense of full of alcohol, but drunk like we couldn't stand a day without looking into each other's eyes and those few minutes together were the most anticipated minutes of our day.

But things end.
Sometimes, if you're lucky, they could end really well.
Other times, or if you're me, basically, the could end up with a broken heart (possibly mine).
He was clearly into me, I felt it, he felt it too, but he already had someone to come home to, and all I wanted instead was someone I could give my heart to, and I did, but it came back hurt and alone.
He played me well, even though I don't believe he wanted to, it was something that just happened, without realizing it.
But it's okay. I mean, we all make mistakes and we can't blame ourselves for that. Sometimes it's the only way we have to truly understand. The good thing though is that once you've made that mistake, you're supposed to learn from it, and not doing it again.

HOW WRONG.

Because no matter how hurt I was at the end, I'm back into that situation all over again and I do not have the strength or the will, for what matters, to keep myself out of it.
Same place, different guy (I guess I have a thing for supermarkets, then).
He's not really my type (do I even have one at this point?) but there is something that brings me to smile at him and look for him while he's busy doing his job. I have no idea of how am I doing it again or if I'm gonna end up broken, again, but I'm falling right back in and I kinda want to.
I'm not saying I've fallen in love with him because quite honestly it's too soon and even though I've said before that it's easy for me to fall in love, I'm not stupid. But again, if I'm not being stupid and carefree at 23, then when will I?
I don't know if something is wrong with me or it's just the way my heart works.

I remember last summer, a friend of mine used to hang out with me because the only thing she wanted was to find someone at the pub that would have bought her a drink and then who knows, things pretty much start there (alchoolics and drug users stopping to talk to us were not just a movie plot destined to a very bad end, that summer). But that is not me. And that was so wrong.
I do believe in people meeting in supermarkets, or waiting in line at a post office. I believe in "love at first sight" and weird looks sent through a rearview mirror of an old car or a bus.

Things happen and you don't need to stay put at a table waiting for someone drunk enough that would come and get you a drink; okay, maybe sometimes it works, but I do believe in magic and what is happening right now is a weird, possibly wrong and hopeless kind of magic.

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