February 04, 2017

It all started with a really bad panic attack. I was going through I very difficult month, (I spare you the details) and everything was so dark and confusing and overwhelming that I just didn't know what to do. I felt oppressed. I felt like I was locked up inside a tiny box and all I wanted was air but I couldn't breathe, I couldn't do anything at all.
This is how bad it was. It was like walking on a string: you keep walking to reach the other side or you fall. I've never had a panic attack that strong before, I was so scared that the worst thoughts came into my mind.
I'm used to panic attacks. Since I was a kid I've always had them and I lived my entire life going through them, but this time I felt like that was it; I was suffocating in my own thoughts. It was terrible. 
I spent that day doing nothing; I stayed in bed, with an empty stomach and a  brain full of crap. I didn't speak or walked the whole day. And as sad and depressing it may look, back then I felt like I needed that time to just do nothing; no people, no food, no clothes (just pyjama, all day, every day - YOLO!) and no Internet.
Listen, we all know how we are so addicted to the Internet, don't pretend like you have no clue because right now you're reading this and guess what, you'll read other blog posts and tweets and maybe check on Facebook too, so don't look at these words like you don't know what I'm talking about. You do. But in that moment, knowing that I was out of all that tweeting and gossiping I felt AMAZING!

I'm always worried, every time I dare to log in into Facebook (which I try to avoid like the plague) that I will feel bad about myself because that friend of mine is moving to New York and I'm not; or that other one is engaged and I'm not; you know the drill. So, knowing that I wouldn't have to worry about that, felt like I was actually able to break those chains and get out of the box. That's exactly when I thought about going MIA for a while.

Waking up every day without the urge to check my phone or to use the Internet was great. All I did was eating very healthy (almost nothing but I felt sick so I'm justified), walking around in my pyjama and hang out just to have fun. After a week of all that, this is what I've learned:

1) being away from the Internet gives your brain space to breathe. And honestly, it was the best decision I've made in ages! Not thinking about the pressure of brainstorming new content for the blog, posting, checking emails, see if I lost followers on Twitter, Instagram and all that jazz, gave my brain time to actually think about my body. It gave me the time I needed to feel my body and understand what it needed. Turns out, it needed more water, for me to cut some types of food and move a lot more.

2) journaling is good for your mind. Seriously, if you've never tried journaling, you should give it a chance. I used to write a lot about how my day went and how my friends behaved, but at fifteen you don't have anything else to write about. When you're 24 you have a lot to think about. You should write about how you feel, what you're going through; it kinda feels like you're talking to a psychologist and it feels incredibly good to let things out of your chest.

3) being aware of what surrounds you. You have no idea the things you can discover if you just pay attention. Being aware of your surrounding, helps you keeping things real. 

4) take a walk with your parents is actually relaxing and funny. When I was a kid I hated hanging out with my parents. I wanted to stay with my friends and if they had to go somewhere, they could have just left me there, playing volleyball outside until they returned. Now it's so different. I feel like the time I spend with my parents is valuable, it's something nobody will give me back. So now that the sun is actually shining in the morning and it's not that freezing cold outside, I really enjoy taking a walk with my mum, talk to her about random stuff or have a laugh with her. 

5) you shouldn't feel guilty for taking time away for yourself.
If your friends are complaining about how you're not around anymore or are giving you a hard time just because you didn't show up at that party, just shut them up. You were taking time for yourself, let them talk about it but they will never know how good it feels to have a glass of wine while you're taking a bath or reading a good book. Their loss.

So yeah, the week started pretty badly but the things I've learned in the healing process were worth it. It's incredible how much your life can change if you listen to what you really need and remember that even if it looks like you're having a really hard time, nothing happens just to spite you; all the bad and the good is there for you to understand, to be aware that after all, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and this is the lesson I will keep with me forever.

Have you ever tried staying away from the Internet? If not, would it be something you'd consider? Tell me what you think, I'm always curious about your opinions! Send me a Tweet or comment down below!

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