TO THE FRIEND I DIDN'T THINK I'D EVER LOSE

February 21, 2017

Dear you,
you know who you are. If you've stumbled upon this page, it means you still care. If you're here, reading this, it means you are still curious about my life; how it still goes on even though you're not in it. If you are here on purpose and found me on the Internet, after deleting me from every social account you have, this is for you.

I will start this by saying you were my best friend. I did everything for you, with you, and even though we've come to the point of being nothing to each other, I don't regret anything, nor I will ever throw it in your face. You see, the thought of having someone who would be there, for me, was exciting and assuring and it made me sleep well at night. 
Those songs sang in the car, I can't listen to anymore. They taste of long gone summers and jokes we would only understand and even though it was a long time ago, the memory is still engraved in my mind.

Do you remember how obsessed I was with taking pictures of everything we did? How proud I was of every single snap I took. I would come home at night and look at them. I remember thinking "How lucky I am that I have this life! That I have to share it with these people!". I also remember you, begging me to put them all on Facebook. We would comment on them, driving that notification button crazy, but did we care? Nope. Not at all. What we cared was for us to take a million more, because it was important, because it was us. 
All those pictures I have now stored away. Out of sight. And if I dare looking, I will find you in every single one of them: hugging me, mocking me, smiling at me, at the camera, at how good we felt and laughing inside, because nobody had what we had. 
I still remember waking up early, one summer, because we had to watch a re-run of Gilmore Girls and commenting it live while Rory was cheating on Dean, while Suki was baking those incredible cakes we wish we had for breakfast and while Lorelai was just being Lorelai, talking as fast as she could and we had to catch up with her. I'm not saying I can't watch that show anymore, Good Lord no, I grew up with Gilmore Girls and it's one of those things not linked to you. But, I must say, every time I watch it, my hands reach for my phone and they start writing funny remarks, only to realise I don't have a number to send them to. 

You would think I miss you. I kinda do; kinda don't. The fact is, I know you all thought I was strong, that nothing would ever break me but you were so wrong. Because you did. You did break me. When you called me that day and I couldn't be there for you, for once in my life, you decided it was best to hung up on me. You decided I wasn't worth your time anymore; I wasn't worth your friendship. And I hated you. For those hours after you erased me from your life completely, I hated you. Then something happened: while I cried in my mother's arms, I realised how functional I was without you. I was so blinded by your own persona that all I would think about was how to make you happy, how to brighten up your day, how to make you want me as your friend that I totally forgot about me. You did it too. You forgot about me; my desires, my problems, my struggles. It was all about you, all the time, that it was like I was being your friend for you, that I was important because you told me thing you wouldn't dare sharing with anyone else. But what about my things? What about that time I was madly in love with that boy that didn't want me? Do you remember that? And that time I was struggling with food? Do you remember it? Of course not. You couldn't because you didn't know. Because you didn't ask me what was wrong in my life and how you could make my day better. It was all about you. Never me. Not even once. 
So that day, after my tears dried on my cheeks, I decided it was better that way. I decided it was better for me to move on, to live my life without you in it. And so I did. 

I'm not saying I regret being your friend; I'm not saying I don't ever think of you. What I'm saying is that after that day I felt relieved. I started writing and I started thinking about me and doing things for me and it felt good. 
I realised how a big part of that friendship I was and how it wasn't supposed to be about you all the time. I realised how much I'm worth loving and how important my life is. 

I'm not writing this to harm you. I don't even hate you anymore but I don't love you either. I'm glad I had you, I'm so glad we've been friends because those days were the most beautiful and unforgettable days of my life and I will always keep them in my heart.
Sometimes I can even look at those pictures and smile, thinking about those moments and knowing that you too, sometimes think of me. 
I really hope you're good, I hope you're living a great life and are still fighting for what you want, for your days to be brighter and your heart to be lighter. 
I, for once, am doing the same. For me, this time.


Come what may,
                          -M.

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